The greatest gift I've ever received.

The last few years have seen my life sent into a tailspin at best. I've found myself sitting on numerous occasions with my head in my hands, and wondering how I got so desperately off course. No answers seemed to present themselves, and so I had resigned myself to the fact that it is possible that I may be one of those people who never find that something that makes it all seem worthwhile.

My younger sister and I have always had a trepidation relationship to say the least. We are about as different as two people could ever possibly be. She is sharp-tongued and quick tempered. I was sure she would be alone forever because no one would be able to tame her. About two and a half years ago, she met a boy. He could not tame her, but seemed not to care about her quirks. An even bigger blessing for my sister.

Last Christmas I lost someone whom I cared for a great deal. In the middle of my grief was my sister who could scream, and yell, and scare rationality out of many a human. She was there, and there was someone with her. I had never felt so alone. As everyone in the family was milling about the dinner table, including my sister and her soon-to-be-fiancee, I had a moment with the Big Man. I sat there in the dark, and in the way so many mortals do, I tried to make a deal with God. "God", I said, "I don't care if I ever am rich. I don't care if I ever have anything of worldly value. The only thing I ask is please, PLEASE, let me find someone to care if I'm alive or dead next holiday season..." It was out there in the universe, and it wasn't going away. There was no way God could deny me. I was sure this year I would find Someone. If my sister could, then there had to be hope for me yet.

As the year wore on, I kept losing more and more things. I lost my job after eight years with no warning. "It's okay...it HAS to be because God is finally sending Someone into my life..." My band of two years broke up after being the most successful band I had ever been in, and being on the verge of touring. "It's okay...I'm just that much closer to Someone." I become more depressed than I had ever been during my 8 months of unemployment. "It's okay. Someone must be coming..."

As October rolled around, I found myself jobless, penniless, bandless, and hopeless. It also appeared that Someone had either extremely bad timing, or was not coming. Go figure.

I was talking to my Mother one day, and she asked the question no one really wants to answer. "Well, no one is going to magically make this any better, Mollie, what do you want to do??" It echoed like I was standing in the bottom of Maternal Canyon. Before I knew it I was answering..."I want to go to college to be a writer." Funny...I never knew that. I didn't even think at 31 years of age, it was an option. "Well then...That's exactly what you will do."

The next two months were filled with diversions. College applications. Digging up long ago lost transcripts from lives I had since forgotten. Looking for a job to kill the time until this new goal is realized. A part-time job on top of the full one to save extra money. Hope that maybe it wasn't too late for me. I felt, for the first time in two years, like life may not be over. There may still be hope. I may not end up the Old Maid with 62 cats and no running water.

As I was laying on the couch last night at my parents after a night of exhausting bar tending, I let the tired fall over my body like a warm blanket. I lie there for a bit, and I remembered the deal I had made with God three hundred and sixty four days prior. For a moment I was sad. There was no Magic Someone. No one to sit at the table and relieve this feeling of loneliness...but...there was Something. There was a plan. There was hope. There was momentum. Maybe I had found that Someone, afterall. I just never thought that Someone would be Myself. Maybe next Christmas, if the time is right, there will be Someone Else...but for now, it took a long time, but I found my Someone...

Me.