Safes

I have recently found myself in an interesting position. I was offered the opportunity to work this summer with the elder generation of Americans as a receptionist in an assisted living facility. At first I was trepidations to say the least. I did not know what to expect. I was fearful that somehow it would rub off…this being “old”. Little did I know I was about to realize that there was much more to anticipate than to fear.

As I can formulate life it goes something like this: You are a kid. You are a teenager. It is at this point that you come into “Who You Really Are”. Whether or not you choose to take this identity and nurture it, or if you decide it is not acceptable in some way is entirely up to the individual and their surroundings. In my theory it is at this moment…somewhere around early adulthood that the essence of Who You Really Are is forever locked into some internal safe inside of our souls. Then you become Who You Are SUPPOSED To Be. Meanwhile the safely locked in an indestructible box are the things you can not deny. It is this safe that protects us. It is within this safe that, no matter how much we try to deny it or silence its cries, Who You Really Are dwells until you reach a stage I call “It Just Doesn’t Matter Any More”. This is, for the majority of human beings, retirement.

The safes hold things much more important that wills, or jewelry. They possess things much more finite and destructible than birth certificates, or social security cards. They possess our very essence. They hold our souls. It is at some point in our “golden years” than the safe is ultimately unlocked. Sometimes it is because there is no longer a need to guard and protect who we really are. We have paid our dues. We have completed the task. Other times, it is because our brains have exceeded the maximum amount of storage available, and things that should be locked in this safe just have to come out. The end of our lives is an interesting journey to say the least. It is like the end of the roller coaster when you are pulling in to the loading dock with the adrenaline still buzzing through your body, and a thin spray of sweat on your face. You get that thought of “Good, God, I can’t believe I made it”, and euphoria ensues.

So, when it is that these safes are opened in the final days, and all the Who You Really Are-s get together in two room units setting mere feet away from each other…and they all are still coming off that buzz from the ride, essentially what has happened is all the thoughts, hopes, feelings, and dreams you locked down in your adolescence come flooding together with those of one hundred other people. The only way to describe this is sad, but true: You finish out your days living as an adolescent in high school. There are popular clicks and nerd clicks. There are tables you can and can not sit with at lunch. There are crushes on the “New Guy”. There is competition to see who can have the baddest-ass Rascal Scooter. There is gossip to make high school look like a convent. There is love. There is SEX (believe me…more than you could ever imagine). There is competition for status. We end our days somehow, (magically), in the place where they were the most intriguing.

The thing that I feared the most was facing the monster. Dementia. I feared it, knowing that I am forgetful now, and my own safe is not all that secure at thirty four. As much as I was fearful, I now think maybe it ain’t so bad either. You get to spend the last of your days in a place where you were the most happy. In your mind you are still there with your first love. Singing Rogers and Hammerstein on stage to a packed house. You are still fifteen and invincible. I know it is hard for the families of these patients to grasp, but for the most part, the elderly that are “confused” are honestly probably in a very happy place.

So in light of the past few weeks of my life, I have come to some conclusions. I have decided that maybe instead of waiting until the end of my days to allow Who I Really Am to breathe in the open air, I may just try to do it now, and if people don’t like it…screw ‘em. I have decided to open my safe, and let myself out to walk among life so I don’t deny the Real Me anything this life has to offer for it. I will not fear the places I am destined to go. If my time comes, and I am perpetually twelve and singing in a summer stock theatre, well, that rocks. Last but not least, when it’s time to go to a place where one hundred plus people are opening their safes for the last hurrah…for the big all-nighter…I am going somewhere where the staff wears tie-dyed shirts, the scooters have V-Twin air cooled engines, and they blast Led Zeppelin over the hall PA all day long. Open up your safe and let Who You Really Are out a little early…it may never be too late to change your stars. Why wait?